Its laet (8.47pm) yet the sun had just set, so it doesnt feel that late at all! Watching the sky turn crimson and have the cotton candy clouds that I always love makes the late library visits 10000x more bearable.
I resonated so much with my younger days - reading this blog makes me comforted to know that after all these years I am still very much the person that I was. My thinking and world views have shaped and shifted radically - i think it is a win for me to have not lost the childlike essence having had many aspects of my life change in these few years.
Unknowingly im on my 6th year overseas from home for uni in Aussie (not too far but far enough and long enough, studied harder than I did for A levels 90% of this time (think 4am days and 12am sleeps), gone through a toxic relationship drama, won a platinum star partner that i foresee marriage one day with, thought I had lost all my close friends through the drama, realised Id never lost them in the first place, went through a down phase, did some CBT on myself out of it out of fear to find help, paradoxically blogging on a public blog about this now, experienced 2 close deaths and 3 at work, cruelly started dissection right after the 1st (some people lack brains and asked me how I felt regarding that during the funeral???? And on the clinical bits of the death????? God I was just in year 1 back then I knew dogshit about clinical medicine then!!!!), got better emotionally, but performed poorly, worked hard, performed better, got distincitons, made some friends, lost some friends, made some more awesome ones, thought my life is getting back on track, then my family got broken (wonder if I would ever get healed), but got more courageous, dealing with it more gracefully now, but still feel really shit on bad days, got to play a lead chinese drama lead character on a special journey, felt victorious, then felt more empty than victorious, but ce le vie admitted to myself thats much to learn, its going to be okay, it had always been okay after, and return to the computer room at night alone (as usual) listening "She used to be mine", and here I am.
I spared the details - most things were too heart wrenching and if I could relive my early 20s I would not, but besides some stupid drama at the start of uni the major changes that had happened to me werent really things I could've controlled. I guess I became less judgemental and more compassionate, and maybe more cynical (but at good doses, PRN). At many points of time I felt that pretty much all aspects of my life had something going on - and I wished I was back home where Id waltz into Ion and sniff some Jo Malone for STAT emotional therapy, call huiting shutian corliss and have mala for STAT escape. (Im proud that after all these years these 3 are always constants) - but its all good, Ive learnt to Hannah Montana and appreciate a less urban lifestyle. Well yeah who am i kidding tbh its mostly me and the library and texting my friends whilst im in the library... and catching up via very laggy texts and then after a million years id dedicate an 8 hour long cafe session with a friend and never want to leave - urgh IS THIS ADULTING LIFE?????
I have very mixed feelings when people ask how my early 20s were. In a word was difficult, and my mum says Ive handled and been through too many things that people in their 20s dont handle. I dont quite know how to respond when I hear that - I think it is the most painful for her to admit that but I also agree. Im feel that Im constantly on a different timeline from most of my peers - and that can be very isolating in its own way and I'd always wonder if im doing the right thing, trying to stay in the eye of the tornado watching all these bizarre events whiz around me.
Well, it could be worse. Though I think the most brilliant IQ test would be to ask if a kid wanna grow up and be an adult. Give 5 platinum stars to those that give an insightful answer on why they dont! Anyways check out ODG its a clothing brand channel but they have the most amazing kid interviews and its my absolute fav channel now.
So anwaysreading the old posts in this blog is awesome!
16 year old me was so happy with who I was that I told myself I never wanted to change from where I was - and Im glad... that I didnt.
Proud, egoistic 18 year old me that was travelling for the first time overseas would scoff and chide that there were so much I couldve accomplished. But given the cirucmstances I had been, I guess keeping constant was a much bigger feat. Obviously I got wiser with challenges in time - but I also found that constant running to keep up with ambitions and goals and "better" just led me to the same spot at where I started out. Thats beautiful. There's all these lame postivity messages on "love yourself" "youre where you need to be" have new meaning now- and I guess I finally have the confidence to live out the "youre okay where you are" thing. But its done in retrospect and I hope im never complacent.
I originally started this post named 16 things I would tell my 16 year old stuff, but it got me in a really pensive mood so i started typing my thoughts. And helping (and volunteering) to write 100000x discharge summaries got my typing speed at 100000 words/ min. (the hospital in MG is simply too overstaffed!!!! I actually really love my team so yes i would sacrifice my time to help) I wonder if i'll get arthritis one day from typing discharge summaries. Maybe this is why consultants dont type them.
So here goes:
1. Remember what makes you happy. It would be the same thing that makes you happy 8 years down the track. Yes, that includes Sephora.
2. Appreciate that heartbreak - those moments teach you the most on who you are and your opinions on shaping the best relationship for yourself in the future.
3. Keep doing everything! This is your one and only time period where you can swirl yogurt and feel rich, and years down the track be really proud to swirl perfect yogurt in front of your friends as a customer in a shop.
4. Those heels can really wait to be honest... the bloody sprained ankle is seriously annoying. But im torn on this as I still really love heels .... and that contradicts #1...... i guess just stop missing ballet classes because clearly you needed stronger ankles and perhaps shop 4 hours instead of 8 hours in them. Because rolly ankles really suck. But yes, heels still, yes.
5. You can be comforted that your bffs then will still be your bffs now. The length of time and period of interaction would decrease significantly (albeit the quality magnify 100 fold) - so keep playing the card games with them during recess and treasure every Pepper lunch after school Paomian after dance etcetc
6. Some cool people would appear really lame 8 years later. Some cool people would become wannabes and empty shells that is laughable at. Some cool people would still be pretty cool. Secondary school is personality defining, and its the time period where theres the luxury of time and flexibility through developing neurons in shaping who you want to be. Everyone runs on a different trajectory after, you probably would too, and theres really no "right" track in life - so keep fighting for what you want and love fearlessly and dont be scared to "be judged".
7. You will fail, and people will believe in your failure, but you will also stand up again. You would majorly cry in front of general office at 18 years old because 2 teachers told you blatantly that your grades are shit to do medicine but times like these you have to believe that 1 teacher who told you that you could. You would also get really shit grades during shit times in your life but you would also have the capacity to get distinction after, so the human capacity is amazing and you have to utilise yours. 16 years old is the perfect time to try whatever you want and as many things as you can because you can fail at 100 things but you just need 1 to be satisfied. I guess this is applicable to me rn as well but im typing happily and procrastinating. Advanced Studies suck.
8.. Dont just use YouTube for music - "gen ju bao zhang bao dao" doesnt need to be boring - and is the one skill from higher chinese that youd need in life
9. No need to write so many notes. Just remember them and maybe gain 2 IQ points - all the notes go missing 10 years later. Even if it doesnt you wont read them.
10. DRINK MORE BBT and then exercise a little more. Metabolism rate sucks at 24. (I predict its going to be downhill from now on.)
11. i dont know what else to write.
12. You are amazing! And enough.
13. Read more books! besides the textbooks
14. Dont listen to bullshit advice from THAT specific ballet teacher and being obsessed with slimming down. why was everyone obsessed with being skinny??? you'd be comforted that thicc thighs and the "gym healthy look with rounded shoulders" is the thing now. but even so, it doesnt really matter.
15. Let yourself be loved a little more. Some people simply arent deserving.
16. Time with your parents is precious.
17. Your conscience is always right. okay this makes up for #11!
I dont have much regrets, and I loved my 16 year old self, now and then. So I didnt have much to say.
I think I would have a lot more to say to 24 yo me when Im reading this much later.
WELL HELLO 10 YEARS LATER SELF HERE ARE SOME POINTERS TO TALK ABOUT!
- big quarter life crisis on deciding to migrate. (i actually typed migraine in mistake and i guess thats pretty applicable in this situation) DO YOU REGRET ARE YOU HAPPY do you have a kid
- med school you reminds you eggs are dying but also youre a workaholic so ah well
- idk what specialty i want and how do i make research less mundane and boring???????????? i still suck at SPSS and my statistician really isnt helping with anything
- how to gain more IQ AND EQ AND HAVE A LIFE without feeling burnt out?
- are you better at texting and being accountable online now????
- are you proud of who youve become?
- do you still remember what you aimed for at the rock at South Noarlunga on one emo arvo looking out at sea? Did you make it?
- Are you rolling in big bucks? IF NOT WORK HARDER AND FIND SOME MOTIVATION AND YOUTH IN YOURSELF
- pls get some wrinkle anti-aging protection and masks tonight and I hope you can afford that pair of jimmy choos youve always wanted
- i hope the fashion design side hustle is still a thing and if its not can you pls start drawing again surely you have less discharge summaries than intern year maybe more responsibilities but seriously surely theres SOME time for you to draw...
urgh i really dont wanna do Advanced Studies. #$%^&*()_+_)(*&^%$#$%^&*(
this pair
think im delirious ive been up too early today
kthxbai
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